Hey coaches, let's try to develop ALL the kids

The older my kids get, and the more sports I watch at higher age levels, the more convinced I become that too many youth team coaches are focusing too much on winning and not enough on player development.

My oldest son played lacrosse on the high school junior varsity team last spring. He was one of a handful of sophomores on a team that was mostly made up of freshmen -- freshmen who had won a lot of games on their eighth grade team the year before and throughout their youth careers. However, those freshmen were in an unfamiliar position, as the best player on all those youth teams wasn't with them anymore; he was good enough that he made the varsity. And while that was great for him, what it meant for his classmates was that, for the first time, they were going to have to learn how to play without him.

It took them a while.

The team started off losing a bunch of games -- including some they were expected to win easily -- and morale was low. Eventually, things did turn around, though. The goalie started making some big saves and getting more and more confident, and little by little, the kids began to move the ball around more, started scoring some goals, and began winning some games. They ended up winning about as many games as they lost, and, overall, it was a good year.

Maybe, from a wins-and-losses standpoint, it wasn't the kind of year the freshmen were used to having, perhaps. But the truth is, they all got better, which is the whole idea of a JV team. Because instead of putting all their efforts into working hard to win possession of the ball and then immediately giving it to their star player, the freshmen had to learn to trust other people and trust themselves to make positive plays. There were plenty of other good players in the group -- some of them sophomores, who the freshmen had to get to know -- and those kids stepped up. And the ones who didn't consider themselves stars eventually began to try things they hadn't had to do before, which ultimately expanded their own games, making them better players and better prospects for future varsity action.

Which once again illustrates the point I keep coming back to: That everything below the varsity level ought to be developmental -- and helping every player become the best player he or she can be is what youth coaches should be making their priority. Yes, winning games is important, because you do want to develop players who understand the difference between playing a sport and playing to win -- understand that there is a level of effort and sacrifice required of players if they want to win. 

But from a coaching standpoint, it shouldn't be strictly about winning. And all sub-varsity coaches, and especially all youth coaches, need to realize they need to help kids grow as players and teach them to play the game the right way. If you do that, then the winning will surely follow.

The best thing about sports isn't winning trophies

About three weeks ago, I experienced one of those perfect days that reminded me of what the youth sports experience is supposed to be all about. It was a weekend that saw the finish of our rec basketball season and the start of our youth lacrosse season, and my biggest takeaway from the weekend was that the fun of sports isn't always tied to winning.

That Saturday, my youngest son was excited because his basketball team had a semifinal game in the morning, and if his team won, it would play in the final in the afternoon. A last-minute lacrosse practice was scheduled for later in the afternoon, so a perfect day would involve two basketball games, followed by a quick change out of his sneakers and into his cleats for lax practice. And that's what happened. His team won the semifinal in a close game, and advanced to the final, where he got to guard one of his very good friends, who plays lacrosse with him.

His team lost the final, but there was no time to feel bad. He and his friend left the gym, raced over to the field for practice, and afterward, his friend invited him over to his house to play. This is a boy who doesn't go to his school, and if they didn't play lacrosse together, they wouldn't even know one another.

My other son also had lacrosse practice that afternoon. And he also ended up hanging out with one of his teammates after practice. In his case, this particular teammate is an old friend, going all the way back to pre-school. They went to different grammar schools, so they grew up in different circles, and though they go to middle school together now, they don't hang out with each other most of the year. But in the spring, during lacrosse season, they're the best of friends.

That day, I was reminded that, for a young athlete, it's not the wins, or the trophies, or even all those life lessons sports provide that are the best reasons to play.

It's the friendships they make.

Filling the void after football

My son had his annual physical last week. Everything went well, except that his doctor was somewhat alarmed by how much weight he had put on since his last checkup.

My son is 15, a sophomore in high school, and still growing. According to the doctor, he'd grown an inch-and-a-half in the past year, but the nearly 30 pounds he'd put on were much more than he should have. I told the doctor that my son had stopped playing football over the past year, and he agreed that that was probably the reason for the excessive weight gain.

That made me think about a conversation I'd had with another parent a week or so earlier. This particular mom works at a local hospital, and, like my wife and I, she has three sons, two of whom play football. As a medical professional, she believes that while there's obviously an injury risk from playing a contact sport like football, there's a bigger risk in your child doing nothing. My son's physical brought home to me exactly what she was talking about.

Playing sports offers countless benefits to kids, but the biggest and most immediate is the exercise it provides them. Your kid can get exercise playing all kinds of sports or doing other physical activities, but while other sports might carry a slightly less risk of injury (no sport carries zero risk of injury) football offers a highly structured activity that keeps minds and bodies sharp. And if your son (or daughter) likes it and is engaged, the benefits are great. 

All three of my sons started playing tackle football in second grade. The oldest was decidedly unathletic and wasn't very good at the sport, but being part of a team was good for him. He made a few friends and he thrived on the routine the sport provided -- practice three or four evenings a week, and a game on the weekend. He would get home from school, do his homework, get something light to eat and go to practice. Everything made so much sense.

When the season ended, it would always be a struggle to fill his time productively. Playing recreational basketball in the winter wasn't the same thing, but it was okay to take it easy until spring, when he could get outside again. In high school, football gave him something to do all summer and all fall. Practicing and lifting weights with the team built a solid body for him and gave him a support system of sorts as he tackled the challenges of freshman year.

Ultimately, he wasn't a good enough athlete or player to continue playing the game, and so he stopped. But after all those years playing football, suddenly there was this huge void that nothing seemed able to fill. He played rec soccer in the fall, which was fun and a good experience, but with one practice a week and a game on the weekend, it wasn't really enough to keep him in shape. He's spent way too much time playing video games, and I didn't notice it until his physical, but over the last few months his body got soft.

So now, my wife and I are trying to figure out how we can help him. We're hoping he gets a job this summer and we're thinking about finding a gym for him to join. This spring, he's playing lacrosse, which he enjoys and which will fill his time and get him in shape again. But then we've got to figure out what to do when that season ends. We don't need him going back to football. We need him to find something that can take its place.

Grappling with new experiences

My son is trying wrestling this winter.

It's a new experience for him, and for our whole family, and we're looking forward to it. Kind of.

Performance-wise, I expect he'll do okay. He's athletic -- quick and strong, with good body control. Plus, he's coachable and hard-working, a fast learner who's smart, resourceful, and competitive. I anticipate he'll win some and lose some, and that'll be okay. I do worry about the mental aspect of the sport: how will he handle the pressure of being out on the mat by himself against another kid, with everyone watching? What will happen when he loses? What will happen when he loses badly?

Ultimately, I think he'll be mentally strong enough to handle losing. He won't like it, of course, but I think he'll be able to get over it, learn from it, and generally keep it in the proper perspective. He seems to enjoy the practices, so I'm pretty sure he'll be fine. I wouldn't even doubt if he ends up liking the sport a lot and decides to stay with it after this season.

It's me I wonder about.

Wrestling's different than anything our children have been involved with to this point. My wife and I support all our children and we love to see them playing and having fun, but we've heard all kinds of stories about wrestling -- about how the meets last all day, and how the parents can get crazy as they yell and scream, and all kinds of stuff like that. The thought of watching our son out there competing against some other kid and hearing people scream stuff that might make us feel uncomfortable makes us, well, a little uneasy.

But we're diving in. Our son seems excited to be learning the sport, and he seems happy to be hanging with his friends who are on the team. All the coaches are really passionate and positive about the sport, and they keep asking me if he likes it so far. They seem so hopeful that he will. 

There's a lot to be said for a sport that makes people feel that much love for it. I look forward to learning more about why these guys feel that way.

Summer is the time to build your kids' games

I just spent a great weekend in Providence, R.I., with my son, who had the opportunity to go there to play in an extra lacrosse tournament one week after his summer season had officially ended. His club ran the tournament, and apparently they needed one more team to fill out one of the brackets. So they invited a number of players from my son's team and some of the club's other teams to go to Providence as a combined unit and play.

All of the parents I talked to understood that the combined team wasn't likely to win many -- or any -- games. How could it, when the players only met one another and their coach an hour before the first game? But all of us just thought it was nice to get one more opportunity for our boys to play, have fun, and develop their games a little more. The scores ended up being pretty ugly, but I think the boys had a good time playing lacrosse and spending the weekend in a cool city with neat stuff to see and do.

For all young athletes, summer is the time when they can make big improvements in their skills by working on them on their own, or with a friend, or even with you! And if they spend time polishing old skills, learning new ones, or trying to eliminate their weaknesses, that may pay off big time next season.

Many kids have the option to attend various sports camps in the summer, where they can spend a week or more immersing themselves in a particular sport. My youngest son has been playing in a weekly organized pickup lacrosse game and one of his friends who also plays in the games has shown himself to be a much better player since the spring season ended because he's been going to a lacrosse camp. But even if your kids don't go to any camps (mine didn't, because, frankly, we couldn't afford it), they can still help themselves by spending some time every day working on their individual skills.

They don't have to shoot 500 shots every day, like some college or NBA basketball players do, but even a few minutes a day may be enough to help improve their games while keeping them from getting bored. Today, on one of the hottest days of the summer so far, my little guy went outside to throw a lacrosse ball against the wall. Many other days, he's out shooting baskets in the backyard. And as soon as we find his football, we're going to go play catch with that, too.

And this is where you can help, parents. Take advantage of all the daylight you have in the summer and play catch with your kids. Or kick a soccer ball around with them. After all, there's no reason you can't have fun, too!

Daddyball: The ugly truth

"Daddyball.''

It's an ugly word in youth sports, one that people throw around a little too often, and usually with more than a little bitterness.

The simplest definition of Daddyball is that it's what happens when parent coaches of youth teams favor their sons or daughters over other players on the team. It's often exacerbated by the fact that the assistant coaches' kids may get favored treatment, too, and sometimes so do the coaches' kids' friends, or their friends' kids.

But generally, if the coaches are good guys, and they work diligently and treat all the children fairly, most parents won't mind if their kids get a little extra benefit, as long as it doesn't go too far. A lot of times, the coaches' kids are the better players anyway, so they'd likely get the most playing time and play the most key positions no matter who was coaching.

A former co-worker of mine once told me his father coached his baseball team when he was 12 years old and his dad called a parent meeting before the season and brought him over to introduce him to the team's parents. He told the parents, "This is my son. He will play every inning of every game. That's my reward for all the hours and all the work I'll be putting in coaching this team.''

I wish every coach would do the same thing. According to my friend's memory, most of the parents of his team were OK with his playing all the time, because his dad was up front about his intentions. And while he did play every inning, he didn't play them all at shortstop. He moved around to different positions.

The real problems usually start when the coach's son or daughter isn't one of the team's best players. When that's the case, the coach will try to find a spot for his or her kid to fit in, generally one that is a somewhat featured position, but not the most prominent spot. One guy I knew made his son the backup quarterback, where he got to practice the position, but didn't play much in the games. A friend of mine confided to me some years back that perhaps he did favor his son on the travel baseball team one year. But he said he was worried if he didn't favor him, he would have ruined their relationship. "I had to be a father first and a coach second,'' he told me.

I should make it clear, not all parent coaches favor their kids. In fact, sometimes coaches actually go the other way, and are harder on their own kids, either because they are sensitive about perceptions, or because they just have higher expectations for their own kids, or whatever.

Having three sons with different levels of athletic ability, I believe my kids have, in some cases, benefited from Daddyball, or been hurt by it. My personal experience is that it's the average to above-average athlete who's most vulnerable when the coaches are playing Daddyball. The unathletic kid probably doesn't have high expectations to start, and the athletic kid will be fine, because the coaches need to feature the best athletes if they want to win (which they usually do). But the kid that's somewhere in between could lose playing time to an equal or lesser athlete who has an advocate on the coaching staff. Or they may get stuck playing a position they don't like, or they may not even make the team in the first place.

If you think your son or daughter is a victim of Daddyball, of course, it can be very frustrating. Your first move should be to talk to your child -- and by talk, I don't mean bad-mouthing the coaching staff -- to find out what he or she is feeling and offer moral support. After that, you can talk (calmly and civilly) to the coach about your concerns; look into joining the coaching staff, and maybe, ultimately, consider joining a club team coached by paid or volunteer coaches.

If a club team isn't an option, try to find ways to make the best of it, at least in the short term. When my son didn't make the town travel basketball team last winter, he played all that much harder on the rec team, and he spent all his free time practicing in the driveway to get better so he can make it next year. I have to say, I like his determination.

Spring into action -- but try not to overschedule

Why is spring always the craziest time of the year for youth sports?

With the move by all sports to have more of a year-round presence, it seems that every sport has a spring season. Soccer, basketball and hockey all offer spring seasons, and that means a lot of kids find themselves playing multiple sports in the spring. This makes for some hectic weekends for families, especially families who have several kids playing multiple sports at the same time.

For the most part, it's hectic, but fun. But parents do need to use common sense and not fall prey to too much overscheduling.

In our area, lacrosse is getting more and more popular every year, for boys and girls. And a lot of kids who are already playing baseball or softball are starting to try lacrosse. Since some of those kids are also playing travel soccer, that means they are juggling three sports in the same season. And in our particular town, kids are required to play baseball and softball in the recreation league if they want to play on the travel teams, which means a kid playing travel baseball/softball is also playing rec baseball/softball. So if he or she is also playing travel soccer and lacrosse, that means simultaneously playing on four teams, in three sports.

The kids want to play everything, of course, which is as it should be. But as parents, sometimes we have to take a hard look at all the logistics and make more practical decisions. With all the games and practices and unavoidable conflicts, what ends up happening a lot of the time is the kids don't get enough practice time for a particular sport. They prioritize the games over the practices, which is reasonable. But if they don't practice, it's tough to have success in the games. And that's not fair to the kid or the team that is counting on the kid to be the best player he or she can be.

A couple years ago, my son's lacrosse team had the misfortune of having its practices scheduled for the same time as the soccer team. We had several soccer players on the lacrosse team and it ended up that most of the lacrosse practices were poorly attended -- usually with less than half the roster showing up. With so few kids, the coaches weren't able to go over things like offensive plays or defensive positioning, and every practice, all they could do at practice was just work on the most elementary skills. So on game days, our kids could run fast and throw and catch well enough, but they often didn't know where to go on the field. The result was a lot of lopsided losses that season.

Multiple sport conflicts are going to be unavoidable when kids are young and still trying to sample everything and figure out what sports they want to play. But as they get older, eventually, kids are going to have to start to narrow down the number of sports they play. If your kid is missing practice twice a week for a particular sport and is only playing a half of a game on the weekend because he or she has to leave and go somewhere else to play another sport, it might be time to cut back.