Daddyball: The ugly truth

"Daddyball.''

It's an ugly word in youth sports, one that people throw around a little too often, and usually with more than a little bitterness.

The simplest definition of Daddyball is that it's what happens when parent coaches of youth teams favor their sons or daughters over other players on the team. It's often exacerbated by the fact that the assistant coaches' kids may get favored treatment, too, and sometimes so do the coaches' kids' friends, or their friends' kids.

But generally, if the coaches are good guys, and they work diligently and treat all the children fairly, most parents won't mind if their kids get a little extra benefit, as long as it doesn't go too far. A lot of times, the coaches' kids are the better players anyway, so they'd likely get the most playing time and play the most key positions no matter who was coaching.

A former co-worker of mine once told me his father coached his baseball team when he was 12 years old and his dad called a parent meeting before the season and brought him over to introduce him to the team's parents. He told the parents, "This is my son. He will play every inning of every game. That's my reward for all the hours and all the work I'll be putting in coaching this team.''

I wish every coach would do the same thing. According to my friend's memory, most of the parents of his team were OK with his playing all the time, because his dad was up front about his intentions. And while he did play every inning, he didn't play them all at shortstop. He moved around to different positions.

The real problems usually start when the coach's son or daughter isn't one of the team's best players. When that's the case, the coach will try to find a spot for his or her kid to fit in, generally one that is a somewhat featured position, but not the most prominent spot. One guy I knew made his son the backup quarterback, where he got to practice the position, but didn't play much in the games. A friend of mine confided to me some years back that perhaps he did favor his son on the travel baseball team one year. But he said he was worried if he didn't favor him, he would have ruined their relationship. "I had to be a father first and a coach second,'' he told me.

I should make it clear, not all parent coaches favor their kids. In fact, sometimes coaches actually go the other way, and are harder on their own kids, either because they are sensitive about perceptions, or because they just have higher expectations for their own kids, or whatever.

Having three sons with different levels of athletic ability, I believe my kids have, in some cases, benefited from Daddyball, or been hurt by it. My personal experience is that it's the average to above-average athlete who's most vulnerable when the coaches are playing Daddyball. The unathletic kid probably doesn't have high expectations to start, and the athletic kid will be fine, because the coaches need to feature the best athletes if they want to win (which they usually do). But the kid that's somewhere in between could lose playing time to an equal or lesser athlete who has an advocate on the coaching staff. Or they may get stuck playing a position they don't like, or they may not even make the team in the first place.

If you think your son or daughter is a victim of Daddyball, of course, it can be very frustrating. Your first move should be to talk to your child -- and by talk, I don't mean bad-mouthing the coaching staff -- to find out what he or she is feeling and offer moral support. After that, you can talk (calmly and civilly) to the coach about your concerns; look into joining the coaching staff, and maybe, ultimately, consider joining a club team coached by paid or volunteer coaches.

If a club team isn't an option, try to find ways to make the best of it, at least in the short term. When my son didn't make the town travel basketball team last winter, he played all that much harder on the rec team, and he spent all his free time practicing in the driveway to get better so he can make it next year. I have to say, I like his determination.